Walking the plank

So I went out on a limb and started my own business. Yes me. I thought to myself what is the exact opposite of what I have been doing for the past 10 years? So I made a list of everything I hated about my corporate job. Here are the top 10 items that were such an energy suck that I can actually use this time to fund my own life:

1. Sitting at a desk staring at a computer for 8-10 hours of my day ( thats almost half my day!!) Not to mention the carpal tunnel syndrome I developed from mousing. Or the back pain from the wobbly chair assigned to me 5 years ago. Did I mention I had a comfy one but one Monday I walked in and was replaced by a gimpy one missing an arm. I put in the request for a new one but ended up sounding like Milton and his red stapler!

2. Trying to look productive for the last 2 hours even though I finished all of my work 2 hours ago. Tic tock. You mean it's only been 5 minutes since i went to the water cooler? Maybe I should check the mailroom again. Or surf the net & start facebooking for "research" purposes. 

3. Repeating what I did over the weekend 12 different times. It was usually nothing any co-worker cared about anyways. What would they have said had I told the truth?  "Well, Stan, Right after work I went and got really drunk with my friends! Then we went dancing and I danced on top of the bar!. Oh yeah, and then we all did 3 shots of red headed sluts. The night got kinda blurry after that so I couldn't really tell you. Then my man and I spent the rest of the weekend eating pizza & watching Netflix and sports." 

4. Office birthday parties. At least twice a week we all pitched in 5 dollars to get a Costco sheet cake for the lucky person. We al crammed ourselves into the non-flattering florescent lit conference room while b-day boy/girl cut the cake and told us awkwardly what they were going to do or had done for the big day. As if any of us cared. Some would use this opportunity to AGAIN rehash a g-rated version of the weekend. Unless that's what they really do over the weekend.

5. No lunch break. WTF? My boss gave me the evil eye of I so much as took one Friday a week to get a sandwich. My job making company X money was so fucking important that taking a lunch break meant " what a loser/slacker. Cant even go 8-10 hours without taking a break? What?? You don't LIKE eating at your desk???"  I get low blood sugar people!!! And no I dont want M&M's I'll end up with "office butt" just like Ms. Boss over there!

6. Ch-ch-ch-changes! Here's how typical work week for me went: Work on project. Have one VP make minor change. Done. Another VP decided to change THAT. Ok Done. Ok now the two VP's get together. Change entire project. Ok stayed late and missed my spin class, but done & done. Get in early the next morning to present. Boss calls me into office and asks me to submit original project. 40 hours of work wasted. Just like that folks!

7. Pooping in the community bathroom. Ok I know there are multiple stalled bathrooms everywhere for women. But how awkward is it when you and a co-worker ( or even a higher up, GASP!) walk into your respected stalls and she starts farting and pooping up a storm? Then it gets even worse as you two wash your hands together and make awkward small talk. " Guess you must have had a lot of beans over the weekend, eh?" . Thats what the private bathrooms on the floor are for. Or at least wait to poo & fart & come out of your stall until the last person has left.

8. The office suck up. Yeah you know who you are. For some reason the higher ups have deemed you the golden, gifted and talented. Everything you do is right for some wacko reason. I seen the company let some of the most talented people I know go. Yet Mr. Suck up over there keeps getting promoted by delegating all of his work to others. Very smart indeed. I should have been taking notes and delegating and schmoozing instead of working my ass off. Noted now.

9. Annual reviews. Graciously accepting the fact that although I exceed company expectations, but due to the struggling economy they are not able to give me a raise at this time. Perhaps net year if I keep performing? Are you fucking kidding me? I did 2 (TWO!) jobs while your were downsizing and you can't even keep up with inflation? Puh-leese. Don't think I didn't see your brand new BMW 7 series while I stepped off the bus this morning. 

10.  Monday's. Mondays' were the worst. Reports, phone calls, 300 emails and there was never a shortage of meetings. We had to have a meeting about when we should meet about the week's upcoming meetings. The sick anticipation of knowing that this week would probably be like the week before that. Or the week before that.

Someday I hope to be employing people and I will treat them very well. I know what is is like to suffer in a dead-end job that sucks the life out of you. Going through this had taught me there is not a shortage of shallow "sheeple" out there. Imagine if we all had the courage to walk the plank and leave a pointless job? We would fly!!! We could live up to our potential and make the world a better place! :-)

Bikram Yoga 30 Day Challenge

Dear Bikram:

You hear it all of the time, I know, but I have to tell you that Bikram Yoga saved my life and changed my entire existence for the better. When I came to your Seattle Sweatbox College on India, I had a history of  anxiety, depression and had even attempted to kill myself several times in the past year. Doctors kept prescribing me various pharmaceutical cocktails to move me along through the system. Life for me was melancholy and numb, at best. For the past few months I felt nothing and wondered if I would ever laugh.  When I started your practice I immediately got better. After taking 1 year off from your practice, I decided to jump right back in and attempt the 30 day challenge. In these 30 days, yoga has healed my body, mind and spirit. The spiritual healing was the most important thing that ever happened to me.  I found myself enjoying life for the very first time in my life.  Your training taught me how to be a better wife, daughter, sister,  and friend. 

Since the challenge, I had the courage to start my own business. I left my high stress corporate job and started a business where I am the boss and am able to attend Bikram everyday, if I like. 

You taught me how to relax. My life has always been going at the speed of a million miles a minute. I am the girl who is typing on the computer, talking on the phone, baking cookies and talking to my husband at the same time. I have learned how to SLOW down and breathe, focus, deal with the stress...for it will pass. You taught me to be nicer to the girl who was staring back at me in the mirror. 

You taught me to be a better daughter. My mom & dad are good people, but I was verbally and physically abused. I grew up to be angry and fearful and didn't like myself very much so I continued to abuse myself well into my adult years. I had a lot abusive boyfriends and friends, and I pushed my body beyond it's capability. I even deprived my body of proper nourishment by being bulimic for 25 years. My body was broken and my spirit was dead. But somehow through all of that my husband always found me beautiful and saw the potential in me. The above experiences made me who I am today and I only tell you so you understand how important Bikram Yoga is to me. It has given me the tools to overcome these issues and move forward and live in the NOW. Not yesterday and not tomorrow. But NOW.

The other day my husband and I were relaxing in our condo laughing about something silly. We took the dog for a walk and got soaked in a rainstorm. Something that would normally cause me to throw a temper tantrum just found us enjoying playing in the rain. I find myself enjoying the moment and all of the small pleasures life has to offer. I don't ever remember feeling this carefree or happy.  This is only because of you, and it has made my life better than I could have ever imagined.

My life is good because of you. I don't know how else to say it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

PLAYLIST OF MY AWKWARD YEARS

So I was in my 22nd day in  a row of Bikram this morning and at the end after laying in Savasana for 5 minutes all of a sudden this popped into my head. I love music. Here are the songs that got me through some of the most terrible years of my life:

Personal Jesus: Depeche Mode. I remember having about 20 posters of them in my room. My friend Erica and I would spend many nights fantasizing about being married to the band members. Also got stuck in my head many times during swim practice.

Smells Like Teen Spirit: Nirvana. Just like Kiurt Cobain and crew, I was an angry angry young lady.

Every Rose Has It's Thorn : Poison. I often sang this monster ballad while my mom drove me to school I would have her drop me off around the corner so that no one would know I had a mom.

Cruel Summer: Banarama. Man those ladies were cool. My hair would never ever be like theirs no matter how much sun in or aqua net or gel I used.

You Gotta Fight for your right To Party: Beastie Boys. I was in Danny Brubakers basement plaiying boggle with the boys. They never ever noticed me. He had a brother Nathan who never came out of his room.

Push It : Salt N Pepa. This was MY song. It was playing in the first school dance I went to . I even made up a routine for it. I can still perform it to this day.

Bust A Move : Young MC. Friday night junior high. Erica and I would make3 way phone  call to boys in our class by calling them up ad asking who they liked. I requested this song by calling in to the DJ and dedicating it to Will. I had no idea what Bust a Move meant.

BIKRAM DAY 10

Just finished day 10 of the Bikram 30 day challenge. Amazingly enough this morning I had a bounce in my step when I walked Pepper??!? How exciting! In class the room felt warm, bit not TOO hot. I completed all of the postures with focus and meditation. I sweat very little. The 90 minutes flew buy in an instant. Was the room a lower temp? I took a quick peek around. Other people were still sweating buckets. I relaxed in Savasana. I didn't notice a haze in the room. I think the haze was coming from me?

Walking home I saw the flowers blooming. I thought to myself, " This is what it feels like to feel good". I heart Bikram. Thank you body for allowing me to experience such a wonderful class this morning. 

BIKRAM 30 DAY CHALLENGE

So now that I m unemployed, I thought this is the perfect opportunity to achieve several things on my bucket list. 

One of those things is 30 days straight of Bikram yoga. With everything going on, mental & physical injuries, I felt I needed a mental and physical overhaul. Well I am on Day #9 of the challenge. Before class I walked my dog Pepper for a 1 mile walk. My mind was foggy and I felt not quite awake. I thought to myself, I will just to to class and see what happens.  It is a mental tug of war each morning so I sleepily get all of my gear together and walk to class. As we begin the first posture  my instructor Laura who is AMAZING was able to guide my mind through the class. My body somehow was able to follow. For 90 minutes I focused on my breath and posture. I vowed to be nicer to the girl I saw in the mirror. I was sweating buckets. More than anyone else in the class, I think! Maybe I have more toxins to sweat out??? I never even sweat this much when running a marathon! Laura guided me through all 26 postures and I did them all with no break. Her guidance really proved to me that my mind is in control in this class. 

I was STILL sweating on the walk home. Once i showered and changed and ate breakfast I felt amazing. I felt so loose and stretched out and ready for anything. I am definitely no longer tired.

Until tomorrow, Namaste.

Cows on the Freeway

So I was driving on 1-5 from Seattle to Tacoma tonight to drop off groceries and dinner for my husband. 

Just the usual drive:  me listening to NPR, chewing my gum and cruising for the 40 mile stretch. I was about to change lanes when I was trapped between 2 semi trucks. The one right next to my side of the car had many cows in it. In fact, I looked one right in its sad sad eyes. 

I could only imagine what their lives were like up until that point. My heart sank all the way to my stomach and my throat choked up. I am a vegetarian, but far from vegan. I don;t know if these were dairy cows going to the hamburger factory but all I know is that their certain death wlll only a be a relief to the suffering they have endured. Factory farms make me so upset and angry. It is not our right to abuse and torture animals so we can have our 99 cent whoppers,$1 chicken nuggets,  cheap leather belts or purebred shitzu. 

I understand that humans eat meat. But 200 years ago we had our own farms and we knew or animals and what lives they lived and what they ate. Now they are just a cog in the assembly line that are born and bred and killed in unnatural and inhumane conditions. 

I will NOT support the factory farms. I have been vegetarian now for ONE year this month. I pledge to stop eating any animal product and this includes cheese. I have found I can be creative and healthy eating non-animal products. I am not a crazy activist. I am just a compassionate human being. 

I can't stop thinking about the cows and the hell they must have endured up until the point I saw them in the trailer on their way to someplace terrible, I am sure. 

I reflected back to my krav maga class earlier in the evening. My arms were so sore form a drill and the pain lasted no more than a few minutes. I've got nothing on the unfortunate male dairy cow that is in a 2x6 pen his entire life chained to a spot standing in his own shit and piss until he meets his death. 

The whole issue makes me sad and angry. It really make me want to change public policy and inform people to shift their thinking. It's a long road but I can't sleep at night knowing  I did nothing. 

Clean Green Diet

I have not been feeling 100% lately. Not terrible, but just not as good as I think I could. I exercise, I eat relatively well. I have an obsession with chocolate chip cookie dough. ANd frozen Trader Joe's entrees. Convenience is key. I make the cookie dough almost every night. It's my weakness, I can't help it!

I have decided for the next 2 weeks to only eat whole foods in their natural form. This means no processed anything. Day 2 So far so good! I have been flirting with becoming a vegan, and eat so 95% of the time. I figured with my new unemployed status, I have the luxury to play with my diet and plan my meals out for 2 weeks. :-) So exciting. 

I thought I would miss processed food or sugar , but so far I feel fantastic and don't miss either. 

Cheers! ANd I will keep you posted on my progress. 

HAPPY VALENTINTINE'S DAY?

Ahhh V- Day. The lover's holiday. I remember in grade school hoping to get the conversation hearts and snoopy valentine from Chad X.  My heart would pitter patter for days after I received. It. I would sleep with that velentine for weeks. I would imagine our wedding, our kids, our house.  I think the sacred candy hearts are still in a drawer at mt parent's house.

Ok so here's the deal: I have been married for 3 1/2 years. My husband & I are on our 6th V-day together. The 3 before our wedding were fun, well planned out ( by him) and romantic. Each year after our wedding they have become less and less the the kind of day that make my heart pitter patter and more the kind of day that makes me want to retch.What happens after 10 years? 20? At that point will we be SO unromantic that we will sleep in twin beds and I will have taken on several lovers just to feel alive again?

Do I need to TELL my husband that I want him to do the cheesy romance thing for me? Buy the fucking cheesy card and the chocolates!!! All we want to know is that you still find us beautiful and sexy and fun.

I can't imagine a Valentine's Day worse than tonight. ( Alright I can, but that is only in another poverty stricken country and I plan to help those people out!)

My husband is going away for 6 weeks for a school assigment. He asked me to clear my calendar this weekend so we could be together. Friday night date night: He passed out at 9pm.  Not ideal but forgivable after a long week at medical school.

Saturday night: I am not feeling well so decide to stay in and rest and try Ambien Sex ( see previous entry). Husband leaves our place at MIDNIGHT to party and drink absinthe with his new best friends from the local bar until 5am.  Kind of Forgivable. I was feeling under the weather. However, I am a little disappointed I didn't experience the ambien sex or even get taken advantage of! Am i too married and boring to be taken advantage of by my own husband now? Had this been early on in our relationship no doubt some exciting Ambien sex would have taken place.

Sunday Night: Feb 14th. I am up at 9am to walk dog and feed cat. Husband sleeps until 1pm. I think he is sooo cuuute!! I have already had a nice afternoon with the pooch and am excited and heart is pitterpattering to FINALLY spend time with my husband. He says he wants to go downtown to the local bar "NINJA" with some friends. We hang out and have cocktails for a few hours and things are winding down. I ask for our tab. Husband is toggeling back & forth between me & our friends. All is good. Then he comes over and leans in close. I lean in closer hoping to hear something along the lines of " You look so hot in those clothes but I can't wait to see you out of them" instead my reality sets in and he says " You made the announcement by getting your tab, so when are you leaving? I am going to hang out and drink since this is it for 6 weeks."

Any pitter patter in my heart is replaced by sadness and anger. I look at him and point blank say back to him " Well I guess there is no time like the present for me to to leave, is there?" I go to the restroom, put on my coat and headphones and head out the door. I faintly hear him calling my name through my music but I know I will just get more emotional and angry if I answer him. He calls me and leaves some stupid voicemail about how he is right and I am wrong. He texts me that he won't baby me. I walk the 2 miles home trying not to cry but I cry. He was supposed to want to come home with me, right? We aren't going to see each other for 6 weeks.

Is this what happens when you get married? If so, I think i understand why people cheat on their partners. It's to feel that someone wants you. Someone finds you sexy. Someone gives you his undivided attention. Someone thinks that I AM amazing. Right now all I feel is sadness and disappointment. I cleared my calendar for him and I feel like he just wanted to see if I loved him enough to do it?

So there is one more hour in this Valentine's Day. I can't wait for it to be over. I am married. I am 34 years old. I am attractive. I am alone. I am crying. I loved this holiday more as a single gal.

Thoughts? Is this a holiday meant to make everyone feel crappy?

Home sick - Ambien sex?

No I am not homesick for my mom's decadent cinnamon rolls and eclairs. I am home, sick with my hubby, my kitty and my dog. Its amazing how when I'm down everyone else has less energy too.

So now to the good part of my essay!  I keep reading about this Tiger Woods Ambien sex thing and I just don't get it. I usually take mine after I have brushed and flossed and get under my covers. In my experience it knocks me out in 5 minutes flat. I am just  extremely curious what would happen if I tool it at 5:30 pm instead of 9:30 pm. I have hidden my car keys and house keys from myself.Must not leave this condo or this sight!

5:50 pm I made myself dinner- palak panner with chickpeas. Feeling a tad spacy.

6:15 pm For dessert I made some sort of bluberry concoction . I meant for it to be a crisp that I remembered from scratch but the ingredients keep rearranging themselves in my head. Ended up looking lke a bowlful of scary bluberry science experiment gone HORRIBLY wrong! I Ate  this so there wold be no evidence of this item being made. Looks quite the mess Im not sure what was in it but I ate every last whatever it was. Im full! Kind of sloppy, I admit, but I pulled it together to open the wine!

Uggh! Just glanced at myself in the mirror. Kind of looked like a fun house mirror where my face is all distorted and my features look strange like they are made out of silly putty. Anyways. forget it. Im home safe and not out creeping on some dudes.

6:53 and I'm still awake! Now onto the wine. Ah my fave jammy chariot gypsy. Poured myself a large glass. Now sitting here waiting for my husband to wake up and experience the most amazing sex? I'll keep you posted ladies.

Update : 01:00 am- OK well I guess there was no spectacular sex. No spectactular anything. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones that ambien actually works for. I ate a bunch of food from the fridge (google ambien cookbook). I ended up going to sleep a little after 7. Hubby was styudying for part 2 of his medical boards. Note to self: no more ambien unless I need to get to sleep. What a waste of a saturday night! Not all is lost though. I am fighting off a cold and do actually need the sleep anyways. Back to bed for me.

More power to Tiger and all of the others that get a euphoric feeling from Ambien. Not my drug of choice for fun, unless I want to be a dead Zombie.

Who visits the shrink?

Me- I am an ex-model, a productive member of society with what others see as everything going for me. There was a time when  I was drinking too much, abusing prescription drugs and eventually landed myself in the ER . Several times.  I was flirting with death. I won.

I was not so recently diagnosed with major depressive disorder. Does this make me "Crazy" in your eyes? I don't know, because no one will talk about it.

You always picture the crazy lady with 24 cats, no teeth, wearing PJ's under her trench coat talking to herself. She needs the shrink, most say. Not the cute girl sitting next to you at the bar giggling with her girlfriends sipping her club soda with lime.

There seems to be such a social stigma on visiting a psychiatrist. I must say in my case, it was the best thing I ever did for myself.. Let's just say I wouldn't be happily typing away today were it not for the miraculous drugs she prescribed. I must say I am also going through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The Meds and therapy together are enabling me to emerge a butterfly after spending years alone in my dark lonely scary cocoon. The psychiatrist is amazing. In fact, today I suddenly caught myself laughing and making jokes. It didn't happen overnight, but I am happy. She specializes in the human mind and has probably seen it all.I now have discovered and written down my clearly defined values and have the courage to stand up for myself instead of slashing my wrists everytime some dumbass tells me I have a fat ass.

Bottom line: I think everyone's a little bit crazy and could use a shrink.

New Dog

Ok work sucks. You all know that much about me by now!

Something you may not know is that my husband and I always try to volunteer & give back to the community. Since we are a young couple just starting out, we don't have much money.

We have always opened up our home to foster kittens and cats, but with my hubby in medical school and gone more & more, I decided I was ready for the responsibility to foster a dog. Being an inexperienced Dog lover, I had to pass on severl dogs. Then I saw her picture. "Coco" was her name. She was found in an abandoned house in Eastern Washington. Emaciated, matted fur,scared. On death row.

I immediatly met with the rescue organization for a meet & greet. Coco came home with me that afternoon. She peed on my lap while I held her in the car. She was shaking with fear. I was in love.

She was shy but sweet. I suspect people have not always treated her so kind. She cowered down & peed when I bent down to put her leash on.She cowered when other dogs and humans approached her. She was 17 pounds of innocence and sweetness. My husband who is the biggest skeptic, saw the pain in her eyes.

For 3 months we worked with her and showered her with love and walks and treats. I took her to the groomer to have her hair and nails done. I bought her a sassy rain coat. We broke our rule and let her onto our bed in the wee hours of the morning.

This past weekend she had a playdate with a frend's dog. My Coco was spunky, tail wagging, playful. She was like a new woman!  I am so blessed to have this dog in my life. SHe has probably been more theraputic for me than I for her. I look forward to daily morning walks / coffee runs.

I solve so many problems with her around. I realize no matter what happens with my job if I get fired or whatever, I am a good person. Not only have  I saved this wonderful soul from euthinasia. She has saved me.

I am proud to say My husband and I officially adopted Coco on January 10, 2010. Once we move to a larger place we will continue to foster homeless dogs and cats. My heart aches for them.